Now, Gov. Umo Eno is flaunting his shiny new PhD
By Emmanuel Nicholas
At the crack of dawn on August 21st, 2022, the ridiculous troupe of Warthogs kicked off their grand parade, enlisting a few weary media souls and some photographers who seem to have taken their cues from the 1816 playbook of Frenchman Joseph Nicéphore Niépce.
Their spirits were as dark as their décor, which consisted of a few tables adorned with whiskey, clearly the only thing fueling their misguided ambitions, apart from unholy desperation.
As the media gathered, they launched into a rapturous sermon drawn from a collection of dubious documents peddled to them by a charming group of con artists who pocketed over a billion Naira.
Little did these hopefuls know they were the proud owners of a deluxe set of scam documents, expertly crafted to exploit their desperation for gubernatorial glory.
Once the scammers received their payment, they promptly dispatched a “consultant” wielding forged documents, complete with fake stamps claiming authenticity from both West Africa Examination Council (WAEC) and the illustrious University of Uꌦo.
To top it off, the scammers roped in an ex-House of Assembly member, who was as broke as a joke, eager to lend his name to the charade, proclaiming himself the chairman of a committee that supposedly vetted the credentials of Pastor Umo Eno during his previous political appointment.
They went bonkers, popping champagne like lottery winners, convinced they were about to shake up the establishment and claim the throne. But little did they know, their victory toast was nothing more than soured grape juice, totally flat and devoid of any kick!
Then came the media blitz, as news of the purported forged certificates spread faster than wildfire in Northern Canada. The accusers threw money at the press, trying to make their tall tales seem credible.
Before you knew it, every keke driver was spinning the saga for their passengers, traders at Akpan Ndem Market were humming the tune, and a few enterprising pastors even incorporated it into their sermons. Talk about divine inspiration!
One particularly colourful character was a drug-addicted one-man band who turned it into a catchy song, swaying like a tipsy monkey while crooning about the “forgery.”
When their cries for attention from the media and hired hatchet men fell flat, they decided to escalate things and waltzed into the Federal Court to legitimize their wild claims.
Enter the West African Examination Council (WAEC), who strolled in and confirmed that Pastor Eno’s results were as genuine as a diamond, while the so-called evidence from the gang of wild Warthogs was about as real as a hallucinated dream made by an illicit substance called ‘coloius.’
In a spectacular display of courtroom theatrics, a retired policeman decided to play dress-up as a forensic scientist, only to have his ruse hilariously exposed by the defense counsel. Surprise! The man who had us all on the edge of our seats was just a former cop trying on a new hat.
Meanwhile, the University of Uyo rolled into the Federal High Court like it was movie day, dumping a truckload of documents that included certified true copies of Governor Umo Eno’s certificates, admission letters, and school exam sheets.
But instead of credible witnesses, they sent in a guy dressed like a kidnapper, complete with a mask! This innovative choice nearly sent the judge and court officials running for the hills, fearing for their lives. It took a small army of police to restore order, reminding everyone that this was a courtroom, not a horror movie.
When the judge ordered the masked man to remove his disguise, he was told that his theatrics had no place in the court. If he wanted to dance around like an Ekpo Abak Midim, he should take it to Utu Abak, where they have better Asong Ekpo drummers and singers.
As the judge allowed him to speak, he trembled like a woman in labour, and his voice cracked like a teenager at a karaoke night. The rest, as they say, is history, as the gavel came down with a dull thud.
The courtroom fell silent, eerily reminiscent of the Taforalt cave in Morocco, the oldest known cemetery where ancient remains lie undisturbed.
Justice Agatha Okeke then delivered her verdict with all the flair of a magician, revealing a card trick of the evil tandem of blackmailers; she dismissed the case for lack of merit.
Meanwhile, the Prophet of the Brotherhood and the Cross Star, who had advised his followers to burn him alive if Mr. Akan Okon lost at the Federal High Court, likely found himself reconsidering his life choices.
Every day, he perched on the radio, making grand promises like a carnival barker, but when the judgment day rolled around, he made a hasty retreat through the window and hopped onto a tricycle, speeding home to dodge the pitchfork-wielding listeners he once deceived.
They wantonly navigated the labyrinth of three litigation stages, yet the Judiciary stood firm, confirming Pastor Eno’s credentials, like a bouncer at an exclusive club checking IDs.
Now that Governor is flaunting his shiny new Ph.D. in Public Administration from the illustrious University of Uyo, where are the so-called watchdogs of scandal?
At the time of their wild accusations, Pastor Eno was still a diligent Ph.D. student. To even dip a toe into a Master’s program, one must have a manuscript detailing every academic escapade as an undergraduate, like a resume for the scholarly elite, before he or she is admitted to study a master’s programme.
And let’s not forget, before you get your golden ticket to the Ph.D. programme, you need to present that Master’s manuscript, complete with course outlines, like a syllabus for success.
So, why did these folks choose to lounge around, gullibly buying fake documents from con artists and shelling out billions of Naira?
Now that Pastor has triumphantly crossed the finish line of higher education, will these critics swallow their pride, muster up an apology to the people’s Governor, and perhaps even throw a little confetti for his academic achievements?
When a man is destined for greatness, not even a hurricane can topple his ladder, and when a throne is waiting just for him, no amount of blackmail can pry him from his royal seat.
Congratulations, Governor, Pastor Umo Bassey Eno , on earning your Ph.D. in public administration! This proves you’re, without a doubt, ready to serve the public.
Because what better qualification is there than an excellent degree to navigate the complexities of governing the public?
FENRAD raises alarm: Local government elections undermine grassroots democracy
Stanley Ihedigbo Foundation for Environme…